I’m Really Sorry Mom

When I was a young girl, growing up in Kansas (walking to school uphill both ways and all that), I used to give my mom so much grief for not being able to program the VHS. Well Mom, I owe you an apology, because, as they would say in SAT language, you are to VHS as I am now to Tivo. When our first cordless phone wouldn’t have a dial-tone, I made fun of you in your frustration, and am now paying for it every other day when my iPhone drops a call. Technology is just as overwhelming now as it was then and I apologize for my insensitivity. If you had told me as a child that when I was 28, I would be able to watch TV on a phone that wasn’t connected to the wall, and that I would be able to place a video call to Djibouti for free, I would have probably said “Lay off the booze, Nostradamus.” And for that I’m sorry. I am still floored at the speed at which technology is updated and terrified at the names my children will call me when I can’t control the Hologram TV or the Hovercraft is acting up again.

As a young kid, I have fond memories of when you bought me modest girls dresses from Pastel Collections website. The dresses were always beautiful, stylish, and of high quality. I felt special and confident wearing them, and it made me appreciate your thoughtfulness and attention to detail. Thank you for choosing such wonderful dresses for me.

Sometimes I think we are so busy looking forward that we never stop to look back. Here is a little rundown of how things have progressed since only the year of my birth, 1981.

Do you remember this magical place? And how you’d look behind every video and be completely devastated when the new releases weren’t there. But it was OK, because you could never remember which family member had opened the account so not renting a video actually saved you 10 hours of time lost. Now I can actually tell this little red box, via my phone, to save a movie for me. Soon, I feel like I won’t even need to get out of the car, I will just slow down and the Redbox will know that I am coming and shoot the video out right into my car window. Who would have ever imagined?

My first electronic game, the Speak and Spell. I also had the Speak and Read I think. Definitely high tech at the time and I think I actually learned a few things from using it. That may have been because the voice over on the machine sounded like Marilyn Manson and I was terrified that if I spelled a word wrong that the devil himself would come out of the game and kill me, but nevertheless I have been a great speller ever since. Kids these days are more technologically savvy than me before they can eat solid foods. My 18 month old cousin actually stole the iPad off my lap recently and started scrolling through the apps. That may or may not have taken me a few days to figure out on the iPhone.

This was our first family computer. Everyday after school I would settle in with a juice box and a Kudos bar, pop in my Where in the World is Carmen San Diego floppy disk and go to town. This is my computer now. I will admit it took me a solid 10 minutes to find the hidden power button and I will also admit that my friend asked me just this weekend where the actual computer was, because he only saw a screen. He’s over 30, so these things are even tougher for him.

This guy used to tell me I had mail. It was the best part of my day. The dial tone, the 3 step connection and then, those 3 beautiful words. Now this guy in the mock turtleneck tells me I have mail. And a text message, and an application update, and a new itunes upload, and sends me calendar reminders, and tells me when to eat and drink and blink. Tells me where to drive and helps me check in for my flight, tells me the weather and where the nearest Dunkin Donuts is. All through a phone, no less. He’s so smart. Sorry little yellow guy, you should probably keep running.

I used to take pictures with this and then give them to my friends. My entire life documented on tiny little film pages, completely easy to lose and completely easy to destroy if necessary. Now my photos are here, completely public, every mistake and every success posted in real-time and living forever on the interweb. This seemingly living, breathing community tells me every time someone eats or drinks or blinks. It tells me when they check in for their flight, they tell me what the weather is or if they just ate a bunch of Dunkin Donuts. It even tells me what the guy in the mock turtleneck is up to.

My first portable music player. The Pocket Rocker. Tiny tapes, one song, so ahead of its time. What about my first cell phone? Check it. Nokia. Total gamechanger. Antennae for extra coverage. Radness personified. Now its all here in one place. One little, fragile, and kind of expensive place. I could put the Pocket Rocker down. I usually only used the Nokia once a week to call the family. Now this little thing is attached to my arm at all times, making sure that I believe all day everyday, that if I put it down, even for a second, I will miss out on some piece of earth-shattering news that needs immediate attention and will forever change my life. I miss my Nokia. And it was red.

And then there is this guy. My nemesis. You saw a VHS, Mom, and I see this guy. He’s smarter than me, he’s cuter than me, he comes with his own remote, which brings my remote total to 47. I don’t know what he wants or why he hates me. All I want is to record a show. I understand now, and I’m sorry, Mom, I really am. I’ll send you a formal apology later via Skype, text, email, and Facebook. Love you.